seaglassgarden

i had one of those shifts where i felt disrespected and disregarded and just plain used, but i noticed that we finally had the everything bagels that sell out super quickly that id never been able to snag before. so i bought some of those and some chive and onion cream cheese. and the affordable whole milk yogurt that we've been sold out of for a week. and some fruit "gummies" (just dried fruit in a gummy shape, but they're fun) and the lemons i'll use to make my wife's favorite pasta later this week

then i got home and had a bagel with the cream cheese and watched an episode of winnie the pooh with my headspace kiddos. and guess what! life is good again

i was drinking sleepytime tea and reading a lil before bed and my dang carbon monoxide alarm went off :/// so i ended up outside in the cold waiting for the fire crew to show up

their monitors showed that there was indeed a little co in my apartment, but not an active source. possibly it was there b/c i cooked a lot today and/or didn't fully turn the knob off. it was cold outside so i didn't ventilate while cooking. that was probably it. im going to be better about doing that even in the winter when the air im letting in is freezing

they said i was safe but im so rattled by the whole thing! im drinking the rest of my tea and trying to calm down

ugh! and i was about to go to bed on time too!!!

i made lemon cookies last weekend! it was my first new-to-me cookie recipe in what im hoping will be A Year Of Cookies. im trying to make more homemade sweets and really cut down on the desserts i buy at work. im picky about how and when i have sugar these days, but for a while i kept the habit of buying candy on my way out of work. kind of silly, really—i have a whole drawer of chocolate im slowly winnowing down

but a homemade cookie. that’s an experience worth having regardless of what else is on offer

they came out quite well. the lemony flavor wasn’t synthetic at all despite using store brand lemon extract, which i felt could go either way. i brought some to work to give my favorite manager, and she liked them so much that after she forgot to bring them home, she came in on her day off to get them! she’s such a sweetheart. she’s working towards a promotion at another store, so im glad i get to give her cookies while she still works here

i want to try something very different next. maybe oatmeal raisin? or a chocolate chunk. many possibilities abound in the world of cookies

here’s the recipe if you’d like to give it a go yourself :-)

[current fronter: jon (she/he, 30s)]

good morning, dreamwidth. today i have put far too much lemon juice in our tea. our tongue is not happy about this. not even watering it down seems to help

it's been a remarkable few days here, made more so by how normal they already feel. we used to be a plural system with a main fronter; now we switch out every few hours, not by chance but according to our own plans. ive heard the voices of headmates who haven't fronted in years. we feel truly plural for the first time

nightshade was completely depleted of life. this could be explained simply (zey were depressed), but i find it more accurate to think that zey lost whatever energy zey had that was meant to shield the rest of us from the cruelties of this world. zey had been our sole protector since the body was four. i think zey became too saturated with pain. zeir spirit ran out. and, honestly, zey'd gotten us to a place in life we can manage with teamwork long ago. so that's what we've started doing. we've broken up our work shifts into pieces and do mini "shift changes" after each break. and we share our time outside of work, too. i think everyone is susceptible to a feeling of emptiness once they've been at the front alone for too long, so we've instituted a buddy system so everyone always has company—and solitary fronting is limited to two hours

im surprised at how easy it's been. i think this is what nightshade's heart has been guiding zem toward all along. zey've experienced a lot of things (depression, despair, dysphoria) lately, but the constant has been a feeling of wanting a change. those specific manifestations deserve scrutiny, but i think this was the thing zey needed. it's encouraging to see zem enjoying life more now that zey are responsible for tiny pieces of the work day instead of the whole thing. and a side-effect of this is that it no longer upsets zem when zeir scattered but well-meaning friend barely texts zem at all during the day. zey weren't present for it! and it hardly bothers us. it's been a shift for that friend, certainly, but i think a necessary one. the cost of nightshade always being available to talk to him meant zey had to endure long periods of silence and the feelings of abandonment that came with it. now they will talk when nightshade wants to be here. i hope he appreciates zeir presence at the front as more of a gift than a baseline

we all feel fairly unified in our goals for the life as a whole, too. before our big shift, nightshade wrote a lists of traits zeir ideal self would have. by and large, the person zey imagined is someone we would all enjoy being: social, creative, physically fit, engaged in a lot of hands-on hobbies...hard to argue with any of that. even goals zey thought would be tied specifically to zem, like zeir writing projects, have turned out to appeal to more headmates than expected. i think a lot of zeir depression stemmed from how impossible zeir big goals felt. it must feel strange to share those projects with other people; conceptualizing zemself as a writer has been a constant in zeir life since childhood. i hope zey can still take pride in the projects we work on together. they still feel like nightshade's projects; to me, it feels like zey are the master and we are the students working in the same workshop as zem

there has been an exciting new development lately: nightshade has made a new friend! they are someone in our main discord that zey clicked with immediately. they seem like a thoughtful, kind person who tends to be open about their emotions (much like nightshade), and it's no surprise that they connected right away. we are all a little wary of how this will play out, though, given that this is that discord (the one where zey dated two different members, with both relationships being absolutely awful). it's less zeir own growing interest in this person that worries us; it's the fact that they seem to be equally interested in zem! what a nerve-wracking development! but im being dramatic. i like this person. they are very good at holding a conversation over text, which is a welcome change from our local-but-spacey friend. i hope they talk more, and i hope the development of this friendship is pleasant for both of them. nightshade has felt...awake again, in a new way. it's nice to have one's thoughts valued and sought out like that

update from a few days in the future: those two are off to the races, it seems. they've voice-chatted about all sorts of personal topics, and it felt affirming and comfortable and exciting for zem. before nightshade went to bed last night, zey said it felt like no one's ever expressed this kind of interest in zem. this could develop in all sorts of ways, but this new person has expressed a potential interest in dating if things happen to go that direction. god, what a joy to be pursued! i think there is no better salve for their recent wounds than that

what else? we made a very tasty tuna melt. we had a big corporate visit at work that went well. nightshade started a new collage art project that has been fun to execute so far. every other thursday, one of our friends hosts murder mystery club. he's a good host who is very thoughtful about choosing a pre-show and post-show as well, often with works that have entirely different tones and visual styles. nightshade had the idea to take screenshots of the things we were watching during the showing and then turn them into a collage. very fun process! and the result is that other people who attend club now have an art piece to remind them of what we watched that session. i think we'll keep doing this. other than that, we've had a great deal of work to do. today is our only day off in between six-day weeks, so we have a lot of chores to handle. time to get on that, i think

hello dreamwidth! it's been a while

ive been puzzling over some feelings ive had about a close friend in the gaps of a very hectic schedule. six-day work weeks, two baseboard treatments i had to clean and reorganize the entire apartment for (including pushing all my furniture away from the walls). and then all the usual things: meal prep and laundry and meeting deadlines before they pass. and some unusual things, like setting up a meeting at work that i initially felt very proud of but ultimately did very little

it's been a rough month for me. ive gone through a headspace breakup, weeks-long depressive episodes, dysphoria spikes, parenting challenges, increased anger from customers at work, financial anxiety...i haven't had a lot of time to do the things that make me feel like myself. and i can tell ive been changing, probably a lot, but i haven't been able to do the exploratory work to figure out who i am now or what my needs are. it's hard to care for yourself when you are so unknown

all of that is the backdrop for how ive been thinking and feeling about that friend

im finding it so hard to distill my thoughts into one easy sentence. i don't think he's capable of being a good friend to me right now, and i resent that he isn't doing the work necessary to become that person. that's close enough

my friend is always tired. my friend doesn't take very good care of his body. he's a very scattered person, unable to hold much of a conversation over text, and he does covid-risky things often enough that we're in semi-frequent quarantines. he texts me that he's anxious or depressed sometimes, and i do my best to comfort him. he doesn't know how to comfort me over text. he's tried, but he usually fails in the same way. it's rare he's present enough for me to really get into what's bothering me anyway. he doesn't even remember to ask me how i am or how my day's going—and i have told him that it matters to me

lately, when we hang out in person, it always involves him taking a 2-3 hour nap

do i blame him? god, i don't know. a few weeks ago, when my depression was getting really bad, i reached out to all of my close friends and asked if we could call. i reminded them abt it when they wanted me to give them reminders. none of them have followed through. they all expressed some interest, but no one committed to anything. i can reach out again, and i will, but. eventually i want to feel like a priority to someone. they're all socializing with other people (i know b/c they post about it). i wish they made time for me too

it's hard to keep going right now. all of my favorite people are struggling with something; i don't want to downplay their pain. friendship is about forgiveness

but friendship is about support, too. yeah? ive done the thing im supposed to. ive reached out and given people time. and it's still just me in my apartment, holding myself through another stressful situation

in some ways, im very lucky. most of my coworkers are absolute delights, and we give each other casual emotional support all the time. and of course my wife (who is my headmate if you're new to the party) has been a star throughout all of this. no one knows me as well as he does, and he's been structuring my evenings outside of work so that i don't fall into bad habits. he's been doing the meal planning, too, and coming up with some really tasty menus for us to cook together

but it stuns me that im so close to being truly alone. like, what if i hadn't lucked into having such a supportive work team? would i barely be talking to anyone all day?

ive been going back to what used to be my main online social space. i have two exes in that space, but that bothers me less now. i wanted people who were bad for me and acted in ways i was ashamed of when i got hurt. so? that matters less and less when the space holds the promise of 4+ community events per week and several friends who im always happy to see. im staying up later so i can see them more. it's not the same as a one-on-one call, but i need to share experiences with people

i think...for my friend, i at least have to tell him that regardless of what's causing it and why, i don't feel like he's being a good friend to me right now. i need to tell him that it hurts me when there's never a good time for us to really talk. and even though the fatigue isn't his fault, i think he has to acknowledge that it's putting a strain on our friendship and leaving me feeling shut out from his life

it's frustrating, being disabled myself and yet still making time for people, to feel like others aren't willing to make time for me

im trying to be patient. im back on the apps(tm) so i can try to make new friends. i want people to text and check in with, and i want them to want to share things and check in with me too. im going to keep trying until i get that again

this post makes it sound like my whole life has been misery. i promise it's not! ive realized that i much prefer writing by hand, so ive started working on one of my short stories again. i feel fairly confident i'll actually write a full draft of this one. i resisted the handwriting thing for a while since it is less efficient, but if im not going to write at all without it...clearly it's the better option!!

ive been reading some cool books, too. my wife's been encouraging me to read more since it helps settle my brain. right now we've been working through they call it love by alva gotby, which is a rly approachable book of academic theory about the emotional work that goes into keeping society running and how that work is often gendered. im also reading the fellowship of the ring for the first time! i didn't have the focus for this one as a child, so now i get to experience it as an adult. i love how slow the pace is. i want to write things like that

now it's time to heat up some dinner and continue putting all my furniture back against the wall where it belongs. hopefully i'll be done by the time you read this

wife: "thank you for coming to our 456th date. i love you so much"

me: "i love you too. where are you taking me today?"

wife: "so today i thought id take you to this bus stop..."

me: "ok"

wife: "...in the cold..."

me: "alright!"

wife: "...with no sign of the bus and the possibility of rain at any moment"

me:

wife: "but i did bring this umbrella to protect us :-]"

me: "perfect, zero criticism"


and then it didn't even rain!! imagine that!

i love blathers <3 truly a character of all time

smth ive been thinking abt a lot is the balance between telling a slice-of-life story and building a world that is full of Stuff, full enough that many other, perhaps more heroic stories, could be told. to that end ive been thinking hard abt the political situation in vi's world, especially abt the political crises that don't have a huge impact on her life

i had the idea of a growing problem of human children running away and forming their own haphazard societies. many of these children are "vein-touched," meaning that they're sensitive to the veins of magic running through the earth. why are they running away? why are they, specifically, sensitive to the veins? what do the various human governments want to do about it, and are their ideas any good?

these questions are interesting to me (and tbh id love to follow up on them in a companion novel, if i ever get that far), but what im rly playing around with is how to make this issue a part of the world without taking over vi's story. vi doesn't have any family (her backstory involves being separated from her caretakers when she's scouted to become a botanist, her first vocation), and she doesn't personally know any kids. she doesn't have a reason to care deeply about the issue. she hears about it from time to time, but she doesn't act on it other than feeling vaguely bad and unsettled that something like this is happening close-ish to where she lives

im trying to capture the feeling of like, living ur life and focusing on only one or two political issues so that you don't get overwhelmed by the complexity of it all (which is what i do, personally). vi can't save these kids. her priorities were determined the moment she met helix and the moment he died. she doesn't have the space in her heart for anything else

but i still want the reader to get a sense of how bad this problem is. i want there to be hints of it in the narrative, maybe even conversations with people who are taking an active role into investigating what's going on. ive also been thinking of how the nature spirits' various governments react to the issue. humans aren't the default group on the planet—that's the plant spirits—and the plant spirits' councils are incredibly haughty about how horribly the humans are handling the situation, according to them. but are they helping? not really. the most they do is offer shelter to groups of human kid runaways, but they otherwise leave them to fend for themselves. which, in turn, offends the human representatives!!

many thoughts. head full. this world is feeling more alive the more i shake it like a snow globe and see how all the pieces fall

i made whole wheat pancakes the other day and they came out rly well!! ive found pancakes weirdly difficult to get right but i think im getting the hang of it. finally getting somewhat round shapes most of the time, and a nice texture too

i like a bunch of stuff in my pancakes so these have mixed berries, chocolate chips, and pecans :-)

"It seemed incredible to me that at the age of fifty-one I was still capable of producing, in all innocence, a completely unrealisable hope. The human capacity for self-delusion is apparently infinite – and if that is the case, how are we meant to know, except by existing in a state of absolute pessimism, that once again we are fooling ourselves?" —Rachel Cusk, Outline

im almost done with outline!! it's a very smooth read, but one that's been sticking in my head. the main threads seem to be marriage, failure, narrative (specifically how we narrativize our lives in order to communicate our journeys to ourselves and others), and the difference between fiction and reality. there's a blurb on the back of the book that highlights how the narrator is talked at rather than talked with, and that made me especially conscious of how and when the narrator breaks her passivity in order to contradict something her conversation partner said or to try to articulate an aspect of her own experience

i talked to my headmate jon about the book, and he had some insights about why marriage keeps coming up: it can be used as a microcosm of someone's life. marriage can stand in for love, selfhood, one's ability to connect with others, a measure of "success," etc. etc. but at the same time—these characters have many failed marriages, yet their lives go on! so it can't represent everything. i thought it was a smart observation, especially since the book keeps questioning if there is a real "truth" behind the stories we make up about our lives in order to render them communicable. perhaps marriage, in these characters' lives at least, is the fiction, while their lives as a whole are the untranslatable, elusive truth. the book also interrogates one's ability to be an active observer of their own life, suggesting that we often aren't paying that much attention unless we're shocked into doing so

ive had some really nice moments at work these past few days. a few days ago a bunch of us ended up venting about our Big Boss and his. uh. his management style, let's call it (mostly about how he gives a lot of instructions and judgements without having the full picture or simply not paying attention to the details. sometimes he reprimands us for not doing tasks that we are doing or gives us three days' of work in one b/c he doesn't acknowledge the time all the steps take. things like that). it was incredibly cathartic. there was one person in the group who id barely talked to before since we work in separate departments, but he kept agreeing with me and looping me back into the conversation. he even mentioned how one of our coworkers made an uncomfortable comment about how a lot of our new team leads were women, and he pushed back on it!! unexpected ally but it's so nice to have another person i feel i can trust

ive also been answering a lot of calls for help around the store, especially up front. a lot of people don't like providing backup at the registers, but i find bagging ppl's items to give me a lot of opportunities to be competent. im good at bagging! and occasionally i have a tiny moment of connection with the customer that i hope makes their day better

oh!! i almost forgot!! i trained someone new and we immediately clicked in a really nice way. he felt comfortable asking questions, and he even seemed receptive to my info about covid safety and why masking is still important. it's so rare that anyone pays attention to me when i talk about that. i hope we have more shifts scheduled together and that we can become friends

my wife decided that he wanted to do something for valentine's day after all, so i bought us a new sweet treat to try and researched things we could watch together during dinner. i had vague memories of a manga that i wanted to read, and i knew i wanted something with similar vibes. i clicked through different lists on letterboxd for a while and happily stumbled upon the anime adaptation of that very same manga!! it was a perfect choice: peaceful, meditative, lightly sci-fi. we're going to read the manga together as well. bee wants to watch more movies together this year, so i bookmarked several others that look interesting. im especially looking forward to the souvenir and its follow-up because of its difficult subject matter and blue gate crossing for its portrayal of teenage friendship. i saved a few lists to look through later; even just a brief peek made me excited to explore more films. i think it'll be a special thing to share with bee. our first date was watching a movie and discussing it, and ive often felt that his perspective makes me a better person