seaglassgarden

hello dreamwidth! it's been a while

ive been puzzling over some feelings ive had about a close friend in the gaps of a very hectic schedule. six-day work weeks, two baseboard treatments i had to clean and reorganize the entire apartment for (including pushing all my furniture away from the walls). and then all the usual things: meal prep and laundry and meeting deadlines before they pass. and some unusual things, like setting up a meeting at work that i initially felt very proud of but ultimately did very little

it's been a rough month for me. ive gone through a headspace breakup, weeks-long depressive episodes, dysphoria spikes, parenting challenges, increased anger from customers at work, financial anxiety...i haven't had a lot of time to do the things that make me feel like myself. and i can tell ive been changing, probably a lot, but i haven't been able to do the exploratory work to figure out who i am now or what my needs are. it's hard to care for yourself when you are so unknown

all of that is the backdrop for how ive been thinking and feeling about that friend

im finding it so hard to distill my thoughts into one easy sentence. i don't think he's capable of being a good friend to me right now, and i resent that he isn't doing the work necessary to become that person. that's close enough

my friend is always tired. my friend doesn't take very good care of his body. he's a very scattered person, unable to hold much of a conversation over text, and he does covid-risky things often enough that we're in semi-frequent quarantines. he texts me that he's anxious or depressed sometimes, and i do my best to comfort him. he doesn't know how to comfort me over text. he's tried, but he usually fails in the same way. it's rare he's present enough for me to really get into what's bothering me anyway. he doesn't even remember to ask me how i am or how my day's going—and i have told him that it matters to me

lately, when we hang out in person, it always involves him taking a 2-3 hour nap

do i blame him? god, i don't know. a few weeks ago, when my depression was getting really bad, i reached out to all of my close friends and asked if we could call. i reminded them abt it when they wanted me to give them reminders. none of them have followed through. they all expressed some interest, but no one committed to anything. i can reach out again, and i will, but. eventually i want to feel like a priority to someone. they're all socializing with other people (i know b/c they post about it). i wish they made time for me too

it's hard to keep going right now. all of my favorite people are struggling with something; i don't want to downplay their pain. friendship is about forgiveness

but friendship is about support, too. yeah? ive done the thing im supposed to. ive reached out and given people time. and it's still just me in my apartment, holding myself through another stressful situation

in some ways, im very lucky. most of my coworkers are absolute delights, and we give each other casual emotional support all the time. and of course my wife (who is my headmate if you're new to the party) has been a star throughout all of this. no one knows me as well as he does, and he's been structuring my evenings outside of work so that i don't fall into bad habits. he's been doing the meal planning, too, and coming up with some really tasty menus for us to cook together

but it stuns me that im so close to being truly alone. like, what if i hadn't lucked into having such a supportive work team? would i barely be talking to anyone all day?

ive been going back to what used to be my main online social space. i have two exes in that space, but that bothers me less now. i wanted people who were bad for me and acted in ways i was ashamed of when i got hurt. so? that matters less and less when the space holds the promise of 4+ community events per week and several friends who im always happy to see. im staying up later so i can see them more. it's not the same as a one-on-one call, but i need to share experiences with people

i think...for my friend, i at least have to tell him that regardless of what's causing it and why, i don't feel like he's being a good friend to me right now. i need to tell him that it hurts me when there's never a good time for us to really talk. and even though the fatigue isn't his fault, i think he has to acknowledge that it's putting a strain on our friendship and leaving me feeling shut out from his life

it's frustrating, being disabled myself and yet still making time for people, to feel like others aren't willing to make time for me

im trying to be patient. im back on the apps(tm) so i can try to make new friends. i want people to text and check in with, and i want them to want to share things and check in with me too. im going to keep trying until i get that again

this post makes it sound like my whole life has been misery. i promise it's not! ive realized that i much prefer writing by hand, so ive started working on one of my short stories again. i feel fairly confident i'll actually write a full draft of this one. i resisted the handwriting thing for a while since it is less efficient, but if im not going to write at all without it...clearly it's the better option!!

ive been reading some cool books, too. my wife's been encouraging me to read more since it helps settle my brain. right now we've been working through they call it love by alva gotby, which is a rly approachable book of academic theory about the emotional work that goes into keeping society running and how that work is often gendered. im also reading the fellowship of the ring for the first time! i didn't have the focus for this one as a child, so now i get to experience it as an adult. i love how slow the pace is. i want to write things like that

now it's time to heat up some dinner and continue putting all my furniture back against the wall where it belongs. hopefully i'll be done by the time you read this

"It seemed incredible to me that at the age of fifty-one I was still capable of producing, in all innocence, a completely unrealisable hope. The human capacity for self-delusion is apparently infinite – and if that is the case, how are we meant to know, except by existing in a state of absolute pessimism, that once again we are fooling ourselves?" —Rachel Cusk, Outline

im almost done with outline!! it's a very smooth read, but one that's been sticking in my head. the main threads seem to be marriage, failure, narrative (specifically how we narrativize our lives in order to communicate our journeys to ourselves and others), and the difference between fiction and reality. there's a blurb on the back of the book that highlights how the narrator is talked at rather than talked with, and that made me especially conscious of how and when the narrator breaks her passivity in order to contradict something her conversation partner said or to try to articulate an aspect of her own experience

i talked to my headmate jon about the book, and he had some insights about why marriage keeps coming up: it can be used as a microcosm of someone's life. marriage can stand in for love, selfhood, one's ability to connect with others, a measure of "success," etc. etc. but at the same time—these characters have many failed marriages, yet their lives go on! so it can't represent everything. i thought it was a smart observation, especially since the book keeps questioning if there is a real "truth" behind the stories we make up about our lives in order to render them communicable. perhaps marriage, in these characters' lives at least, is the fiction, while their lives as a whole are the untranslatable, elusive truth. the book also interrogates one's ability to be an active observer of their own life, suggesting that we often aren't paying that much attention unless we're shocked into doing so

ive had some really nice moments at work these past few days. a few days ago a bunch of us ended up venting about our Big Boss and his. uh. his management style, let's call it (mostly about how he gives a lot of instructions and judgements without having the full picture or simply not paying attention to the details. sometimes he reprimands us for not doing tasks that we are doing or gives us three days' of work in one b/c he doesn't acknowledge the time all the steps take. things like that). it was incredibly cathartic. there was one person in the group who id barely talked to before since we work in separate departments, but he kept agreeing with me and looping me back into the conversation. he even mentioned how one of our coworkers made an uncomfortable comment about how a lot of our new team leads were women, and he pushed back on it!! unexpected ally but it's so nice to have another person i feel i can trust

ive also been answering a lot of calls for help around the store, especially up front. a lot of people don't like providing backup at the registers, but i find bagging ppl's items to give me a lot of opportunities to be competent. im good at bagging! and occasionally i have a tiny moment of connection with the customer that i hope makes their day better

oh!! i almost forgot!! i trained someone new and we immediately clicked in a really nice way. he felt comfortable asking questions, and he even seemed receptive to my info about covid safety and why masking is still important. it's so rare that anyone pays attention to me when i talk about that. i hope we have more shifts scheduled together and that we can become friends

my wife decided that he wanted to do something for valentine's day after all, so i bought us a new sweet treat to try and researched things we could watch together during dinner. i had vague memories of a manga that i wanted to read, and i knew i wanted something with similar vibes. i clicked through different lists on letterboxd for a while and happily stumbled upon the anime adaptation of that very same manga!! it was a perfect choice: peaceful, meditative, lightly sci-fi. we're going to read the manga together as well. bee wants to watch more movies together this year, so i bookmarked several others that look interesting. im especially looking forward to the souvenir and its follow-up because of its difficult subject matter and blue gate crossing for its portrayal of teenage friendship. i saved a few lists to look through later; even just a brief peek made me excited to explore more films. i think it'll be a special thing to share with bee. our first date was watching a movie and discussing it, and ive often felt that his perspective makes me a better person