taking poison damage
Feb. 9th, 2025 04:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seaglassgardeni like my body. it's been taking on a lot of pain lately, especially since i returned to work, and that causes me a lot of sorrow. it holds onto so many things for the good of all of us who inhabit it. i haven't been able to create a life for us that doesn't cause lots of pain for our body. our material circumstances don't give me many cards to play in service of that goal. but i want to adjust things where possible; i want to push for my body's right to rest when it hurts and is exhausted by the many demands of others
a few weeks ago, i had a relatively routine surgery. based on my surgeon's recommendation, i got two weeks of medical leave approved. the surgery and the two weeks off work went very well—very little pain after a week, plenty of mobility. my post-op appointment confirmed that i was ready to return to work as long as i didn't do too much lifting. id already arranged that with my workplace, so i thought everything would be fine
while walking home after my first full day, i felt sharp pain in both of my legs, making it very difficult to walk. i think it was mostly caused by the strain of wearing my work uniform all day. i barely made it home and up the stairs, but the pain subsided as soon as i changed. the next day, i had significant pain and difficulty walking within the first hour and had to leave work early. i skipped today (id be completely useless during the super bowl rush with a bad limp) and plan to go back tomorrow, wearing a much more comfortable pair of black slacks (far too pretty for my retail job; i want to get different ones that i won't mind roughing up a bit soon) that fit the dress code and putting all my equipment in a store-issued vest. i hate those things, but it'll take the pressure off the surgery site
it was a very unsettling feeling, having my legs give out. my store is small as far as stores go, but even walking from one end to another to meet a team lead in their office was a drain. i ended up crying in front of them. all of it was too much, i guess. the loneliness of a very isolating recovery, the trickle of terrible news ive absorbed lately, and then finally not being sure what my health, work schedule, or benefits will look like in the next few weeks. the surgery itself was bad enough, but once i got all the paperwork sorted out, it was a straightforward case. now i have to deal with potentially getting more medical leave tacked on, or maybe taking an unpaid leave if i can't get that worked out. workplaces in the united states really aren't set up to deal with unexpected problems. everyone was so understanding when it was an issue that i could notify them of in advance, but i have no idea what my condition will be tomorrow or the day after. i feel completely fine now, sitting in my desk chair at home, but tomorrow at work i might collapse while pushing a cart
im not very good at handling unexpected schedule changes. i like planning and sticking to a plan. it's frustrating that there aren't allowances in place for the simple fact that all bodies and recoveries are different. my body simply wasn't ready for all that walking and pressure around the waist. that's not its fault, and it's not my fault, either. but it seems my options are to push through and potentially ruin my recovery or have a terrible stain of missed work on my record, at least until i can meet with hr and see what else can be done. as far as i know, all of the options would take at least a week to process, which puts me in a tight spot. it's a horrible system. and i already hate capitalism, so i can't even say this radicalized me!
im dealing with my anxiety about it the best way i know: focusing on very small things and letting that become my entire day. i baked some more carrot cake muffins from the batter id prepared a few days ago and managed to overbake them again, but not nearly as much. i think im closer to the right temperature/time combination. everything except the burnt part was so light and fluffy, just a perfect texture. next time i want to add more carrot. they're a bit underwhelming in that regard for something billed as being inspired by carrot cake (which i also want to make at some point!)
a few weeks ago, i had a relatively routine surgery. based on my surgeon's recommendation, i got two weeks of medical leave approved. the surgery and the two weeks off work went very well—very little pain after a week, plenty of mobility. my post-op appointment confirmed that i was ready to return to work as long as i didn't do too much lifting. id already arranged that with my workplace, so i thought everything would be fine
while walking home after my first full day, i felt sharp pain in both of my legs, making it very difficult to walk. i think it was mostly caused by the strain of wearing my work uniform all day. i barely made it home and up the stairs, but the pain subsided as soon as i changed. the next day, i had significant pain and difficulty walking within the first hour and had to leave work early. i skipped today (id be completely useless during the super bowl rush with a bad limp) and plan to go back tomorrow, wearing a much more comfortable pair of black slacks (far too pretty for my retail job; i want to get different ones that i won't mind roughing up a bit soon) that fit the dress code and putting all my equipment in a store-issued vest. i hate those things, but it'll take the pressure off the surgery site
it was a very unsettling feeling, having my legs give out. my store is small as far as stores go, but even walking from one end to another to meet a team lead in their office was a drain. i ended up crying in front of them. all of it was too much, i guess. the loneliness of a very isolating recovery, the trickle of terrible news ive absorbed lately, and then finally not being sure what my health, work schedule, or benefits will look like in the next few weeks. the surgery itself was bad enough, but once i got all the paperwork sorted out, it was a straightforward case. now i have to deal with potentially getting more medical leave tacked on, or maybe taking an unpaid leave if i can't get that worked out. workplaces in the united states really aren't set up to deal with unexpected problems. everyone was so understanding when it was an issue that i could notify them of in advance, but i have no idea what my condition will be tomorrow or the day after. i feel completely fine now, sitting in my desk chair at home, but tomorrow at work i might collapse while pushing a cart
im not very good at handling unexpected schedule changes. i like planning and sticking to a plan. it's frustrating that there aren't allowances in place for the simple fact that all bodies and recoveries are different. my body simply wasn't ready for all that walking and pressure around the waist. that's not its fault, and it's not my fault, either. but it seems my options are to push through and potentially ruin my recovery or have a terrible stain of missed work on my record, at least until i can meet with hr and see what else can be done. as far as i know, all of the options would take at least a week to process, which puts me in a tight spot. it's a horrible system. and i already hate capitalism, so i can't even say this radicalized me!
im dealing with my anxiety about it the best way i know: focusing on very small things and letting that become my entire day. i baked some more carrot cake muffins from the batter id prepared a few days ago and managed to overbake them again, but not nearly as much. i think im closer to the right temperature/time combination. everything except the burnt part was so light and fluffy, just a perfect texture. next time i want to add more carrot. they're a bit underwhelming in that regard for something billed as being inspired by carrot cake (which i also want to make at some point!)
